Things are changing and fast. I am now six months pregnant and I find out Shelli is three months behind me. She was huge though.I was hiding my pregnancy but only by wearing big shirts. Not real big to where it would draw attention but big enough. It was getting very uncomfortable though. I knew the time was coming that many had to know. Shelli was out at the house and well I presented it to her first. She realized it was Cliff's and became very angry. Then as she was looking at me she didn't believe I was telling her the truth about me being pregnant. Yep, I would just make that up eh? This I find out is because she was so very much bigger then me. I could only credit this though because of my walking and all my physical activities. I was in great physical shape.
There was only one way to convince her though and that would be to go to a doctor. The deal is she would go into the examination room with me and I was not to tell the doctor I thought I was pregnant. Oh, what a plan I thought. Like he would agree with my diagnosis if I wasn't. Can't really alter from that diagnosis, it's bound to show eventually. Haha. So we do this. The doctor examines me for just a minute and says: "Girl you are six months pregnant." Didn't you know that? Oh, I said, I had an idea it might be that. For sure I was trying to salvage myself as best as I could.
Well now with our newfound knowledge what do we do? The next step would be my Ma and this night would be it. It had to be done and could not be prolonged any longer.
I let her get home and eat and comfortable. As she was sitting at the dining room table I asked if I could talk to her. She loved those crossword puzzles and would do them constantly. But she does take a brake from them and looks at me with curiosity. I sat way at the other end of this very long table. I knew it wasn't going to be pleasant. So, not having a real plan how I am going to do this, I just simply asked. What would be the worst thing I could do that would make you ashamed of me? Yep, I asked it just that way, knowing the answer would be, get pregnant.
Sure enough, she says just that and I bow my head. You might have an idea how the energy in the room may have changed. She sat a bit stunned and then finally musters the words to ask. "Whose is it?" She knew a bit of Cliff by now and what she didn't know Shelli filled in the rest. Shelli did not like Cliff at all.
I answered her and she blew up. Oh my, she pounded the dining room table yelling, AND I HATE THAT SON OF A BITCH !!!! How did this happen? Oh, no, I thought, now she is asking me how this happened and there was no way I was going back to this doctor with her and pretend I do not know I am pregnant. And how is it nobody knows how this happened? How far are you? As she looks at me with great detail. Six months I told her. Well, she thought I was joking. How do you know? Why didn't you tell me sooner so we could have had you get an abortion?
So as I was still sitting down and remaining calm and trying to calm her, I began to explain what happened and where and the doctor visit to confirm. Things would take a turn here now though because now it is rape she tells me. And charges would be taken. She is concerned about the bills and that was another reason for the charges. Not if I was ok or how I felt about Cliff. Oh my goodness I thought. Then the question I been anticipating. What are people going to think/say? Yes, Ma, I have given it great thought about that. I knew that would be your biggest concern and I will find a place to go and have the baby. Nobody will have to see me or know of this. Is this what you want? I asked her. I would need to know soon to make those arrangements.
It was always about what other people thought and or would say. I know this extends way beyond my family but why do we really care? The question would remain in my head but the fuck off would occasionally come out of my mouth. Don't look at me people. Don't talk to me people. You are those people I don't want to know either. The judgements on others from others is not what I think we are all here about. There is a higher galactical connection among all of us. We are here to make it and to assist in whatever ways we can to make it through our journey. This judging on me I hated and was not what I wanted to be apart of but yet, I find myself again hiding with shame. The world we live in makes me cry !! And I do for hours and hours that very night. The next day I would have to tell Cliff....................
Love "Patches"
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