A Girl Named Patches...Part 15

As a 13 year old girl you have dreams and wonders of what will your life be like when you are older. You want to have a happy home.A loving man and a couple of children. You see yourself cooking, cleaning,making the hot breakfast for your family and a warm dinner at night. Fun times like camping or just road trips. These things do go through your mind and yes at this age.

For me finding love was proving to be a very hard find and the challenge began before it began. Before I was out of that womb I was searching for love. Love from your parents has to be a good foundation to go off of.How do I use my experience to go to the future. How would I really know what love is? Was what my experience was growing up love? Would I know this love if I saw it or would it be questionable? It was hard to come to terms with the fact I really had no idea about the emotion of real love and at any level. Leita would tell me when it happens,well, you feel it, you will just know.My thoughts to that is it will have to be pretty potent for me to just know it. But then again maybe not. I processed a lot thus far and made myself a promise. 

I would take my family as my example as to what I DO NOT WANT TO BE. I was told that the beatings were out of love. But if love was what others tell me it is, I had a problem believing it had to hurt so bad. And if it had to hurt so bad, why was I searching for it so hard. It would seem that it was right in front of me. But, my heart told me this was not the kind of love my heart was searching for.Sure there is that term Love hurts. Could this be the foundation on which my parents were operating? I am still processing but came to my own declaration that if and when I ever had children I would never show them love in this way. It was simple to me. This did not feel like love and all I had to go on was my own inner self. I did not read a book or see an educational graduate with a piece of paper that proofed they could read. I dug deeper within myself. The answers are within us I believe on many many issues. This would be one of them. It would take time but I would walk my journey as my own individual not what was shown to me thus far. If this would be wrong I would blame myself because this is the choice I made for me and not somebody else. This I could live with. The plan was simple. I would do all the opposite things any member of my family did. 

First I would try this with my Ma. We had developed a rather close relationship now and more so since the death of Pa. Ma continued to work and her days were long. When she got home from work she would now rest for the next day. I was to young to see her inner pain and to uneducated to feel her aching heart. I believe though I was witnessing that she really did truly love and miss Pa. They must have had something they didn't let the rest of us see. That or maybe she was searching for love as well and thought this was it. Not sure, but she was in pain.

Although we were pretty much best friends we would both take our stand and this would prove to be fierce. There was a new me being born.

So, with this I fought back one fight at a time. What this did for me was give me the confidence that I could. The physical abuse is bad and it shows for all the world to see or can if not hidden well. The verbal abuse would hit you somewhere inside and stays forever. Those wounds last way longer then the belt marks. Verbal abuse is what my Ma did best. There would be many clashes for us in the coming days, yet we would always find a way to to some how forgive. To forget would be the greater challenge.

It would be coming upon my 14th birthday and after spending a lot of time with Cliff, he had a present for me I did not see coming. I did think I loved this man. He showed me great attention. He watched over me really for the past few years. I could talk to him and he would listen and advise as best he could. He showed me what I believe was love or could be love. Could this be Love? Or was I just so wanting it that this was the best example I would get? 

Love "Patches"