Taking a deep deep sigh !! Of course my Ma would be phased the worst with the death of Pa. She had three minor children, however, Shelli had made the decision to finally get married and had been living with him and his mom. So, that left my Ma two minor children at home. She continued working her factory job and we continued going to school and me I applied for the work program again through school and got a job at the nursing home. Right across from the cemetary where Pa was buried. I felt after caring for Pa that I might be good at this and well, give it a try.
So, I was now a nurses's aide. Sounds like a big title to a 13 yr old. But it boiled down to cleaning crab literally and having food spat at you by bald headed women. Still, I felt I was doing a good deed and a good service. So, I learned how to shower people with a garden hose and watch them squirm from the ice cold water. I learned patience as they did spit out their food into my face. I was soooo trying to learn how to read this temperature thing. Man, how I tried to see that line everybody kept calling mercury. I couldn't see this thing at all. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but I would put the same temp as the last aide wrote on their chart or something close. I learned how to use this tool at both ends and still it didn't matter what end it went into, that little mercury line was not showing up. Yep, one would think maybe if it was taking the temp downstairs that that might have been the problem but I am here to tell you that was not the case. That line was invisible. I felt bad every time I had to take temps. Had somebody felt bad or appeared warm or had a high temp earlier I always did the right thing and got the nurse. So please, nobody panic here.
Eventually, we began using diapers on the patients instead of letting them just lay there in bed an crap. It was a sign of the new times from what I could tell.
My hours were long and I would get off late at night. Still walking home ahhhh about 8 miles this time. But, I had remained friends with Cliff this whole time on and off and after the death of Pa it seemed he was coming around more and more. He would walk out to the nursing home this time and walk me home then walk back. I did feel safer with him there.
My best friend Leita and I were going out a lot more. Things seemed to be much less emotional with Pa gone. A sad revelation but so true. I was though becoming more and more rebellious from anybody telling me what to do, when, where, how and or why. I think I was going to rebel against the world.
I never really did focus in school. How could I? And I detested them making me take my clothes off to shower with all these other people. I felt offended by it. So one day for gym I told them I was having my moment. You all know what I mean. So I wouldn't have to take class. It worked and I was assigned to the bleachers to watch. While there though I had this awesome bubble gum and I am quilty, I was blowing bubbles. Once this caught the teachers eye, she stopped class and drew all the attention to me and said for me to put this gum on my nose. Hmmm, I processed this request for a very short time and replied to her that I would NOT be doing this. She tells me this again several more times. Something was happening to me and I was changing in many ways. I was so tired of people verbally and physically abusing me and my stand was to change this from happening one attack at a time.
Finally, I decided to stand tall and I looked her in the eye in front of all my classmates who were staring at me and I told the teacher to do whatever she had to do, but I will not be sitting on these bleachers with a wad of gum on my nose looking like a dunce for her entertainment. Well, yes, if you guess detention you are right. I saw this as more abuse and now at this time in my life after 13 yrs with my Pa nobody was going to treat me in this way ever again.
What was happening inside me, is I felt my soul beginning to beat some how. Like first I have a soul that I could feel but it needed nurtured and it was showing to be tainted but alive. I could find it. And next I was fighting to protect my heart , soul, body and mind. Some thing was coming over me and it was possibly releasing all the previous years pented up inside me.
Well this teacher calls my mom to come pick me up from school and tells her of my detention and why. Hmmm, my Ma was not happy with me. But, this would be minor compared to what becomes the beginning of something else. Not sure what though. Felt like I was running within my own body. Like racing for something but no clue where the flag is.
I began drinking and smoking. I began experimenting with drugs. Oh, I was only experimenting with them and also following the flow of the party. I will say this though, Yes, I did inhale. Drugs did not agree with me though in any way. There was some I really enjoyed like the ones that made you laugh for hours and hours without a brake. Pretty cool whatever that one was. The others just made me sick and I had a very hard time understanding why and how everybody else could do the same drugs and be having a good time. Me, I was sick and sleeping.
I had no idea what would come next for me but I made every attempt to proceed and keep the love alive that I have been carrying for so long and hope that one day somebody out there would want it. Gosh, I had sooo much to give to somebody. I carry on life's journey with my heart. It's all that I have !
Love "Patches"
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