Well it sure was a long night ! My last memory was my Pa going down to those men and putting on that white odd looking jacket and Pa getting in the truck. And that one man that asked who I was. From that point on I do not remember anything and now I was waking to a lot of people looking over me. Literally. I had a lot of blankets on me and well, no clothes. They were the neighbors as it turns out. So somehow I taken from my grandparents to the neighbors, undressed and put to bed with lots of blankets. They told me they have called my Mama and that she was on her way. My Mama didn't drive so, she had to make these arrangements and as I know it now she is several hours away.
Well, I sure did not have any idea what was going on, but when she arrived she went to see my Pa who was in a hospital of some kind and not doing well it seemed. Ma seemed quite concerned. It took several days before Pa could leave there and then we all went back home to Ohio. I never said anything to my Pa about what had happened, but then again neither did he. Years would pass and WE would never talk about it. I did however, remain his favorite. Every time he saw me, he would tell me to go away. And my favorite colors became black and blue. He loved to give me color but dang, sure wish it didn't hurt so much.
In his defense my studies in school were not up to par for him. I was barely getting through and the teachers noticed a distance from me, but I felt like hiding in a corner. Never wanted anybody to look at me and my clothes were that that would cover my colored body well. The time spent in school I would day dream about getting out. I didn't want to go home any more and didn't want to stay in school. Hmmmm, I didn't want to be anywhere. It was seeming that whatever time my Pa couldn't fill with the colorful art he would give me daily my sister Shelli became his substitute. My arms were now being affected as she had long long curled wicked finger nails and took out strips of skin from my arms. Wow, I so wanted to hit her back but all I could do was put my head down and scurry away. Day after day, night after night. I know I was young but I also knew this was not feeling good and could not be the emotion of "Love". Something big was missing here and I wanted it to change one way or another.
Sitting in the bathroom became a regular time for me. There I found razor blades and kept trying to get the nerve to slice my wrist. So, I would practice over them and get deeper and deeper and asked the good Lord to help me put the pressure I needed to finish the job. I just wanted it to end, somehow. Running away, but to where. Waiting to turn of age but that seemed like a thousand years away. I was just done, and wanted this to END !!
As the time was going by my Pa didn't seem to be liking my Ma all that well either. They yelled so loud at each other every night. My Mama screaming and what seemed to be like for her life. Every night I laid in bed and held my hands over my ears and hoped and prayed it would stop. Then there were those times that it was so bad and my Mama yelled so loud that I got out of bed , stood at my doorway and all I remember doing was crying. Hoping he wasn't going to kill her.
Now good or bad my Ma and me had some things in common, so we would talk all the time when Pa wasn't there. We had to release some how to somebody and mostly I was her sound board. After every encounter she had with Pa she talked about divorce. She explained what that meant and well for me it was like, bring it on. Let's do it !! Then during these talks we would have my Pa would come home, see us talking and well I was advanced to the foot procedure and a big fist. That foot though was always aiming for my ........, you know. I got pretty good at dodging them though. Should have went for football as I could pivot left to right to where ever to get out of the way of the FOOT !!
Awwww after all these things I still loved my Pa. Gotta say I did not like him much, but truly loved him and kept trying to figure out a way for him to love me back. Would I ever know why he feels this way to me?
Love "Patches"
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