A Girl Named Patches...Part 12

My Ma was in a very bad way. She was crying so bad and felt so sad and these tears she was crying was not like the ones I had heard through so many nights. There was a pain, an inner pain that seemed to be like no other I have ever seen. My Pa was disturbed but in a need to know type of disturbance. He paced around the kitchen table waiting patiently for my ma to be able to tell him what the doctor had said. But, he knew when he asked her and as she fell to pieces that whatever news they were waiting for was not what they wanted to hear. The only news he would need to find out would be how long he had left and this would be how long he had left to live. They kept this quiet from us kids and did quite well at it. But, now we are new. 

I didn't talk to my Ma about it for some time, we just sort of went through the motions of every day with the knowledge the clock was ticking. My Pa was a good size man. Standing 6'2" and weighing in at about 230 pounds. He always seemed to be healthy and being a farmer and steel mill worker in physical good shape. I was in somewhat of a denial that this could happen to somebody that looked so healthy. I was not prepared to watch what transpired over the following six months.

My Ma continued her job and that may have been the best thing for her to be around people and think about something else even if for a few hours a day. My Pa continued working at the steel mill until he was just to weak to make another day. My sister was still gone. Mostly staying in the next town with her boyfriend and family. My brother was falling into a crowd of wrong people still. No big drugs or anything like that but there was the alcohol and was hardly home either. As for me, well I have always been on the outside looking in and this was no different. What I saw was a man going down and all the ones he did seem to care about were all gone. Suddenly, he didn't seem to look soooo mean anymore. But instead confused and lost. At a distance from within his own being. I had no doubt he was trying to process all that was going on and about to go on. 

I never did stop wanting my Pa to have that emotion of love for me but I also never held my breath. What I did know is I carried the hope and love in my being. In my heart however deep it was by now, but it was still there. After all that had happened I still wanted his acceptance and grasped to the smallest fibers around me to see if that could happen. I quit my salad job for the summer and stayed home to care for him. It would seem that I would end up being all he had in his final days. My ma would go out with the girls after work to prolong coming home. Ahhh, she had a lot to deal with and I didn't judge her at all, not ever. So, it would be him and I.

The first thing he did was steal my brother's car, I say that because he literally got in it and drove away. So far away that he ended up in Florida. Hmmm, who knew it was one of his life's destination areas. He went all the way there from Ohio, bought two souvinors turned around and drove back. He was getting rather weak at this time and luckily a man on a motorcycle noticed him and noticed he didn't look well and followed him most of the way. Yah, we do have caring people out there. Just a nice thought indeed. 

By the time he got back though his health was going down quickly. This was cancer and it was an education for sure to see how it will eat you literally alive. He would have to be set up in the downstairs area now. The stairs would be to much for him to handle. Odors were off limits, such as foods cooking, finger nail polish.... everything made him sick to eat or smell. Ahhhhh but him and I did find one thing we could cook and he would be able to eat and like it. That would be homemade chocolate pudding. And we made it daily. 

He liked to watch wrestling a lot and I was there to help cheer on the guys we liked. It wasn't big things, not big things at all. But it was the moments as small as they may have been and for however long we were going to have them is what made the difference. Well to me it would. I am hopeful it did to him as well.

But, ha ha ha, my Pa was my Pa and no matter how sick he was it seemed I had a knack to piss him off. And that unimaginable strenghth that he would pull from some where within him would surface. Ok, so here is what I did. It was 1973, and everybody knows about the bell bottom era. For me, it remains my favorite times. I wore my bell bottoms full and long. Yep, walking on them for sure. Well, this one day he happened to take a look at what I was wearing and because totally upset with my pants and demanded I cut them off shorter. Ohhhhhhhhhh please, this is the 70's for one thing, I bought them myself for another and I was not about to cut them ankle high. But, I did do just as he asked. I cut them. I cut them into shorts and not knicker shorts either. Ok, Ok yes, I was rebellious and I am going to say right now, IT FELT GOOD !!

Poor Pa though, he did not like this either. Would I ever get it right with him? So, he sees my new shorts and totally freaks out. Yelling profusely !! "What did you do?" Of course my reply was I did what you told me to. Hmmmm, some where deep inside of him he got the energy to chase me. Not real sure what his plan was when he caught me but could only go on the records from the past. This time though I had a running chance and I took it. I ran out the front door and there is was right behind me. I ran around to the back door and inside the house and I could hear him coming behind me. I did this a few more times and got ahead of him and then hid under the dining room table. Hmmmmm, I stayed there and watched as he continued running in one door and out the other after me until he was worn out and finally stopped. This might sound mean to others but for me it felt rather good.

To Be Continued ...................

Love, "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches..Part 10

As the days passed, all would seem to be the norm or the norm as we all knew it. Looking back we all pretty much did our own thing. There were a few times we were on a trip going some place and be at a beach or have a BBQ in the park but something always happened to set the moment into turmoil. Didn't have to be a big thing either. But at this present day, we are going our very separate ways. Shelli was with a guy and was planning on marrying him. Heath was caught up in alcohol and working against the law. Ma was working and enjoyed being out of the house. Pa was working and tending to his prided garden and me, well I was working and doing all I could do avoid being around at all. 

On this next fateful day though we were all at home. My father was always absorbed in religion and would be his whole life. He would take it to a level though that many cannot or would not be able to comprehend. He began attending a local church in town. Shelli was home this fateful day and had a friend staying the night. Then there was the rest of us. 

Something happened to Pa. He began insisting the end of the world was now and he immediately began calling all of his family in Pennsylvania to alert them. My Ma was a bit shaken by his activity and didn't know what to do. He began destroying many things. When the time was right Ma ran out the door and where she went I did not know. All was happening fast. He called Shelli and I to the living room and demanded we look to the ceiling and not move. We were there looking for Jesus as he assured us he was coming. By many attempts he tried to get Heath involved but he wouldn't participate and that seemed to bode well with Pa for some reason. Poor poor Shelli though she has never encountered this and was white as a ghost as I assumed my Ma was too. He continued destroying things and through all his money into the fire. Burned it all saying we no longer need it. Jesus is coming !! Might not seem like a hard task to look up at that ceiling but give it a try for a few hours and no, we were not allowed to look anywhere but UP. 

After some time there was somebody at the back door and drew my Pa's attention to it. I heard talking, not sure at the time who it was but later found out it was the pastor from the church he was attending. My Ma apparently went to the neighbors and called the pastor to come and calm him down. Instead my Pa called him a fake and the only good thing that happened from the pastors visit was to give us that moment to get out of the house. Shelli ran upstairs to get her friend, the one that was going to spend the night. Once she did we all ran out of the front door and headed to the neighbors. My brother though remained put in his bedroom and my Pa would let him be.

It seems the police could do nothing. What my Pa was destroying was his and if he wanted to break it all or burn it all it was his choice. The police advised though should he be doing this in public it would be a different story.

Come morning Pa did go to church. He got there rather early and went to the alter and began telling the congregation what hethens they all were. With this though, the police were able to take him away. Yes, I realized my Pa had issues and issues that society frowns deeply at. An illness that cannot maybe ever be fixed and in his case never was. 

So taking a step back and looking at all that he has done one might ask had he not been ill would it have all been different? Of course. Did he like himself and want to be different but had no idea how to get there. I think maybe he did or at times thought about it. Hopefully now there are better treatments for this illness and hopefully society looks upon it in a more healthier way. It is an illness like any other but one that isn't as controllable as a physical ailment.

Not sure how long he was hospitalized this time but my dad was a big strong man and didn't do well behind any type of confinement areas. He broke the glass to his door that was supposed to be unbreakable. There is a much higher level of strength one gets when they are in this state of mind. Seems they are 100 times stronger then the average person if and when they want to be.

When he was finally released and returned to work it wouldn't be long before he did have a physical illness. I remember him coming home one night late. Ma and him were in the kitchen and he seemed afraid to ask her a question. But finally did ask what did the doctor say? My Ma broke into tears..........

To be continued..........................

Love "Patches"

*Alert * Narcissistic Sociopath--Please read !! Part 1

Welcome to part one of an ongoing series of Narcissistic Sociopaths.....ALERT !!

If you have ever come across a Narcissistic Sociopath and know it now, it will be very highly unlikely you will ever wonder if, you ever have for the rest of your life. It will change your view of everybody you have ever met and know in your life. You will review in your mind every moment you have had with certain people to determine if they may be. This has got to be a revelation though for YOUR healing to know, you did nothing wrong. It isn't you. Never was. And my dear, you never stood a chance. These people are very very scary. To think there are people like this among us is completely a freaky thought, yet a very important awakening. We look at this label, most of us and think, "Oh that means your crazy" or simply have a mental illness. We don't do the research to dig deeper about who and what these people are all about. 

The people are master liars !! MASTERS !! They cannot help themselves. They lie about everything, why? We do not know and my guess is they do not know either. They have no remorse. NONE... They will take everything you have and walk away. Never look back and consider themselves the "VICTIM". They will never say sorry or thank you. They will immediately move on to their next victim and that very well may be YOU..

We need to educate ourselves about these people that walk and live among us. People who have:

1) No remorse

2) No feelings - They do not know how to love or be loved

3) No conscious- Is this concerning? Your answer should be YES. If your answer is NO, perhaps you may be one of these in this group.

The are highly intelligent. HIGHLY, they study the normal people. You and Me and everybody else that ever comes into their life. They study us to mimic us. They have no idea how we do it. What we do. They see us happy and in love. Kissing,holding hands, crying and laughing. They look at us in wonder and wonder what we are doing and they see it is a good thing and want to fit in with us. So, they study us intently so they can fit into our world. 

They master this so very well that we, if we have no clue about these people believe they are the most honest and trustworthy people in all the world. They appear to be so very sincere with all they say. Please note the 

word..."APPEAR". Most of us would never suspect their true intentions to do us a whole lot of harm and that every word spoken is a lie. But let's remember, they are master liars and they do this without blinking an eye. 

If you have had a partner relationship with a Narcissistic Sociopath and it ends, you will beat yourself up and your only question you will ask is , why? This happened so fast you won't know what hit you until it's over and the best thing you can do is run , do not walk away from this person. Run, and never look back. Oh you will want to. Just because this person has altered your life in every way and won't blink an eye as they walk on. Hopefully and I do mean hopefully, you will get away from this person before your life is totally ruined including you in general.

This is part one of several series as we need to have awareness of these people we walk with in our world. Part two will be about YOU and how that whatever happened, you did not know it was coming. Do not tear yourself apart or waste your time with the big question of why. When we get done with this series you will know why and your heart and soul will be cleansed and healthy. Until then...... BE THANKFUL IT'S OVER and if you are in this situation RIGHT NOW....... GO, LEAVE, RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK.

LOVE TO ALL---------"THE MAMA"

If you do nothing else..
Ask Mama Now