A Girl Named Patches...Part 13

Perhaps I should not have had Pa run around like that in his condition but something made me think he might have like it. A confirmation to himself he still had fire from within. For me, it was a different purpose. Simply that I could wear him out and even had he caught me the energy would have been lost to do anything bad to me. OK, and third, I did get a chuckle from watching him keep running while I was hiding under the table. There I said it!! 

Well, the morning came that as my Ma was about to leave for work Pa called her over and handed him his wallet and said to her that he would no longer be needing it.  Ma didn't think to far with this and took the wallet and went to work. But while there she got the intuition in her gut. This wasn't good. Was he trying to tell her more and she didn't give him the time. So, she returned home within a few hours and asked him how he was doing. Pa said, he felt it was time for him to go to the hospital.  Ma was now driving as she had been preparing for the future several months back once they heard the news. But the car was small and Pa was in a bad way. He dropped from 230 pounds to now 100 and that does not look good for a man his height.  

Ma called an ambulance as she was planning on following behind.  But for Pa and the ride there she asked him who he wanted to ride in the ambulance with him.  Shelli was down the road at her boyfriends and Heath, I am not sure where he was. But I was right there in the room and when the question was asked. We both looked at each other and then we both looked away.  I was certain he would say Shelli just to twist that knife he had in my heart for all these years.  A few minutes go by while he thinks about this question and then says..... Patches.  Yes, I was stunned. In fact I am not sure I moved from that spot for  a time.  

Many things were running through my mind right now. Like my life on a tape rewinding and seeing and hearing and feeling everything he ever did to me. How many nights did I lay awake praying he would indeed die. How my heart ached that I just wanted him to love me, to acknowledge me, maybe not as his own per say but just as another humanoid. That would do.  My whole life was running through me at record speed and I could only fathom what was happening to him.

The ambulance arrives and she followed us to the hospital. I guess she called Shelli and maybe left a note for Heath. But they were not there.

While in the ambulance the paramedic hooked him up on oxygen and was taking his vitals the whole way. As he did this I watched.  Then something odd happened and something I did not expect.  Pa extended his hand to me. He had a big farmer's work hand. It was still big compared to mine yet it was frail.  I sat for a moment and we looked each other in the eyes and had a moment of silence like we were reading each others mind some how. No words were spoken.  Then I took his offer and held his hand. I was so shaking, so anxious. Had no idea what I was supposed to be feeling here. I felt sad for sure...I felt broken from all the abuse...and yet I felt some sort of beginning. Not knowing  what that meant yet.   

As my mind was roaming and we are still holding hands and looking into each others eyes, after 13 years and what an adventure my Pa,  squeezes my hand with a bit of pressure but in no way to hurt me, and his eyes looking over the oxygen mask to see mine he says, "I Love You !!!  

I began to shake harder and tears came from the deepest part of me and I looked away, back to where my Ma was following us.  Remember squeezing his hand harder and cried. I couldn't speak. The words I love you just couldn't come out, I was crying soooooooooo very hard, I couldn't even see my Ma now or anything else.

We finally made it to the hospital and the only reason for going was to keep him comfortable until the time. He spent one week in one hospital and was transferred to another for a few more weeks, but again, just for comfort. We visited every day my Ma and me. And one day he asked  that all of us come the next day.  

We (Ma and me) got Heath and Shelli to go with us on the day he requested and it was for him to say his final good-byes to all of us. He went down the line, telling them how he loved them and to be good and listen to their mother. And as it would be when he got to me, he looked and by now he was weighing 89 pounds. His eyes were sunk in his head. Literally he was skin and bone and I watched this disease eat a human alive. 

But his last words to me were this: You will never amount to anything. You are good for NOTHING!!!  

May he find a way to rest in peace and may the Lord take mercy on his soul ...

PA............. 1934-1973  **RIP**

Love "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches..Part 10

As the days passed, all would seem to be the norm or the norm as we all knew it. Looking back we all pretty much did our own thing. There were a few times we were on a trip going some place and be at a beach or have a BBQ in the park but something always happened to set the moment into turmoil. Didn't have to be a big thing either. But at this present day, we are going our very separate ways. Shelli was with a guy and was planning on marrying him. Heath was caught up in alcohol and working against the law. Ma was working and enjoyed being out of the house. Pa was working and tending to his prided garden and me, well I was working and doing all I could do avoid being around at all. 

On this next fateful day though we were all at home. My father was always absorbed in religion and would be his whole life. He would take it to a level though that many cannot or would not be able to comprehend. He began attending a local church in town. Shelli was home this fateful day and had a friend staying the night. Then there was the rest of us. 

Something happened to Pa. He began insisting the end of the world was now and he immediately began calling all of his family in Pennsylvania to alert them. My Ma was a bit shaken by his activity and didn't know what to do. He began destroying many things. When the time was right Ma ran out the door and where she went I did not know. All was happening fast. He called Shelli and I to the living room and demanded we look to the ceiling and not move. We were there looking for Jesus as he assured us he was coming. By many attempts he tried to get Heath involved but he wouldn't participate and that seemed to bode well with Pa for some reason. Poor poor Shelli though she has never encountered this and was white as a ghost as I assumed my Ma was too. He continued destroying things and through all his money into the fire. Burned it all saying we no longer need it. Jesus is coming !! Might not seem like a hard task to look up at that ceiling but give it a try for a few hours and no, we were not allowed to look anywhere but UP. 

After some time there was somebody at the back door and drew my Pa's attention to it. I heard talking, not sure at the time who it was but later found out it was the pastor from the church he was attending. My Ma apparently went to the neighbors and called the pastor to come and calm him down. Instead my Pa called him a fake and the only good thing that happened from the pastors visit was to give us that moment to get out of the house. Shelli ran upstairs to get her friend, the one that was going to spend the night. Once she did we all ran out of the front door and headed to the neighbors. My brother though remained put in his bedroom and my Pa would let him be.

It seems the police could do nothing. What my Pa was destroying was his and if he wanted to break it all or burn it all it was his choice. The police advised though should he be doing this in public it would be a different story.

Come morning Pa did go to church. He got there rather early and went to the alter and began telling the congregation what hethens they all were. With this though, the police were able to take him away. Yes, I realized my Pa had issues and issues that society frowns deeply at. An illness that cannot maybe ever be fixed and in his case never was. 

So taking a step back and looking at all that he has done one might ask had he not been ill would it have all been different? Of course. Did he like himself and want to be different but had no idea how to get there. I think maybe he did or at times thought about it. Hopefully now there are better treatments for this illness and hopefully society looks upon it in a more healthier way. It is an illness like any other but one that isn't as controllable as a physical ailment.

Not sure how long he was hospitalized this time but my dad was a big strong man and didn't do well behind any type of confinement areas. He broke the glass to his door that was supposed to be unbreakable. There is a much higher level of strength one gets when they are in this state of mind. Seems they are 100 times stronger then the average person if and when they want to be.

When he was finally released and returned to work it wouldn't be long before he did have a physical illness. I remember him coming home one night late. Ma and him were in the kitchen and he seemed afraid to ask her a question. But finally did ask what did the doctor say? My Ma broke into tears..........

To be continued..........................

Love "Patches"

Father..Are you there??

Father Are You There ?

Father...Father... Can you hear me? Are you there? I think I have lost my map to my quest. Can i get another one? Father, can you send it overnight delivery? I am so sorry. I thought I knew what I was doing down here. I thought I could fulfill my quest as I promised you I would. But, you see father, things down here are a mess !! When I took this quest, I couldn't see into the future. I might have taken a different quest if only I had known it would be like this. 

The worst of it father, is I seem to be lost. I try calling home, but, I think the lines are down. Have you received my mail father? It has been months now, and well is the economy in heaven like it is here on earth? Have the angels gone on strike? Do you think they will return to work? Maybe they can bring me that new wing they promised me years ago. I am sending word to you father that the data chips down here are all messed up. The government has lost their way. The people are going in circles trying to find their way. There doesn't seem to be a road out of here. 

Oh,wait !! I remember now. I have had the map the whole time. Yes, yes, I do have it...your word is my guide and my map and my way to YOU. Yes......... I have it father and I will be reminded and refreshed to continue my journey as I promised you. OK, well, then, I know you have a lot of work to do and I wont keep you father. But, please, I hope this message gets to you before all the others...... Father....I LOVE YOU !! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ?

 Oh, I am sorry for yelling, I hope I didn't yell to loud. Yes, father, I am reminded that it is times like this I am in the palm of your hand and you are carrying me. YES .....and suddenly I feel extremely comforted. Thank you for your unconditional love...............I will return to my quest with your guidance as I remember I am not on this journey alone and my journey is not over. You are and will always be with me. Yes, I love you too.......................... AMEN...

Love, "The Ma Ma"