A Girl Named Patches...Part 13

Perhaps I should not have had Pa run around like that in his condition but something made me think he might have like it. A confirmation to himself he still had fire from within. For me, it was a different purpose. Simply that I could wear him out and even had he caught me the energy would have been lost to do anything bad to me. OK, and third, I did get a chuckle from watching him keep running while I was hiding under the table. There I said it!! 

Well, the morning came that as my Ma was about to leave for work Pa called her over and handed him his wallet and said to her that he would no longer be needing it.  Ma didn't think to far with this and took the wallet and went to work. But while there she got the intuition in her gut. This wasn't good. Was he trying to tell her more and she didn't give him the time. So, she returned home within a few hours and asked him how he was doing. Pa said, he felt it was time for him to go to the hospital.  Ma was now driving as she had been preparing for the future several months back once they heard the news. But the car was small and Pa was in a bad way. He dropped from 230 pounds to now 100 and that does not look good for a man his height.  

Ma called an ambulance as she was planning on following behind.  But for Pa and the ride there she asked him who he wanted to ride in the ambulance with him.  Shelli was down the road at her boyfriends and Heath, I am not sure where he was. But I was right there in the room and when the question was asked. We both looked at each other and then we both looked away.  I was certain he would say Shelli just to twist that knife he had in my heart for all these years.  A few minutes go by while he thinks about this question and then says..... Patches.  Yes, I was stunned. In fact I am not sure I moved from that spot for  a time.  

Many things were running through my mind right now. Like my life on a tape rewinding and seeing and hearing and feeling everything he ever did to me. How many nights did I lay awake praying he would indeed die. How my heart ached that I just wanted him to love me, to acknowledge me, maybe not as his own per say but just as another humanoid. That would do.  My whole life was running through me at record speed and I could only fathom what was happening to him.

The ambulance arrives and she followed us to the hospital. I guess she called Shelli and maybe left a note for Heath. But they were not there.

While in the ambulance the paramedic hooked him up on oxygen and was taking his vitals the whole way. As he did this I watched.  Then something odd happened and something I did not expect.  Pa extended his hand to me. He had a big farmer's work hand. It was still big compared to mine yet it was frail.  I sat for a moment and we looked each other in the eyes and had a moment of silence like we were reading each others mind some how. No words were spoken.  Then I took his offer and held his hand. I was so shaking, so anxious. Had no idea what I was supposed to be feeling here. I felt sad for sure...I felt broken from all the abuse...and yet I felt some sort of beginning. Not knowing  what that meant yet.   

As my mind was roaming and we are still holding hands and looking into each others eyes, after 13 years and what an adventure my Pa,  squeezes my hand with a bit of pressure but in no way to hurt me, and his eyes looking over the oxygen mask to see mine he says, "I Love You !!!  

I began to shake harder and tears came from the deepest part of me and I looked away, back to where my Ma was following us.  Remember squeezing his hand harder and cried. I couldn't speak. The words I love you just couldn't come out, I was crying soooooooooo very hard, I couldn't even see my Ma now or anything else.

We finally made it to the hospital and the only reason for going was to keep him comfortable until the time. He spent one week in one hospital and was transferred to another for a few more weeks, but again, just for comfort. We visited every day my Ma and me. And one day he asked  that all of us come the next day.  

We (Ma and me) got Heath and Shelli to go with us on the day he requested and it was for him to say his final good-byes to all of us. He went down the line, telling them how he loved them and to be good and listen to their mother. And as it would be when he got to me, he looked and by now he was weighing 89 pounds. His eyes were sunk in his head. Literally he was skin and bone and I watched this disease eat a human alive. 

But his last words to me were this: You will never amount to anything. You are good for NOTHING!!!  

May he find a way to rest in peace and may the Lord take mercy on his soul ...

PA............. 1934-1973  **RIP**

Love "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches...Part 12

My Ma was in a very bad way. She was crying so bad and felt so sad and these tears she was crying was not like the ones I had heard through so many nights. There was a pain, an inner pain that seemed to be like no other I have ever seen. My Pa was disturbed but in a need to know type of disturbance. He paced around the kitchen table waiting patiently for my ma to be able to tell him what the doctor had said. But, he knew when he asked her and as she fell to pieces that whatever news they were waiting for was not what they wanted to hear. The only news he would need to find out would be how long he had left and this would be how long he had left to live. They kept this quiet from us kids and did quite well at it. But, now we are new. 

I didn't talk to my Ma about it for some time, we just sort of went through the motions of every day with the knowledge the clock was ticking. My Pa was a good size man. Standing 6'2" and weighing in at about 230 pounds. He always seemed to be healthy and being a farmer and steel mill worker in physical good shape. I was in somewhat of a denial that this could happen to somebody that looked so healthy. I was not prepared to watch what transpired over the following six months.

My Ma continued her job and that may have been the best thing for her to be around people and think about something else even if for a few hours a day. My Pa continued working at the steel mill until he was just to weak to make another day. My sister was still gone. Mostly staying in the next town with her boyfriend and family. My brother was falling into a crowd of wrong people still. No big drugs or anything like that but there was the alcohol and was hardly home either. As for me, well I have always been on the outside looking in and this was no different. What I saw was a man going down and all the ones he did seem to care about were all gone. Suddenly, he didn't seem to look soooo mean anymore. But instead confused and lost. At a distance from within his own being. I had no doubt he was trying to process all that was going on and about to go on. 

I never did stop wanting my Pa to have that emotion of love for me but I also never held my breath. What I did know is I carried the hope and love in my being. In my heart however deep it was by now, but it was still there. After all that had happened I still wanted his acceptance and grasped to the smallest fibers around me to see if that could happen. I quit my salad job for the summer and stayed home to care for him. It would seem that I would end up being all he had in his final days. My ma would go out with the girls after work to prolong coming home. Ahhh, she had a lot to deal with and I didn't judge her at all, not ever. So, it would be him and I.

The first thing he did was steal my brother's car, I say that because he literally got in it and drove away. So far away that he ended up in Florida. Hmmm, who knew it was one of his life's destination areas. He went all the way there from Ohio, bought two souvinors turned around and drove back. He was getting rather weak at this time and luckily a man on a motorcycle noticed him and noticed he didn't look well and followed him most of the way. Yah, we do have caring people out there. Just a nice thought indeed. 

By the time he got back though his health was going down quickly. This was cancer and it was an education for sure to see how it will eat you literally alive. He would have to be set up in the downstairs area now. The stairs would be to much for him to handle. Odors were off limits, such as foods cooking, finger nail polish.... everything made him sick to eat or smell. Ahhhhh but him and I did find one thing we could cook and he would be able to eat and like it. That would be homemade chocolate pudding. And we made it daily. 

He liked to watch wrestling a lot and I was there to help cheer on the guys we liked. It wasn't big things, not big things at all. But it was the moments as small as they may have been and for however long we were going to have them is what made the difference. Well to me it would. I am hopeful it did to him as well.

But, ha ha ha, my Pa was my Pa and no matter how sick he was it seemed I had a knack to piss him off. And that unimaginable strenghth that he would pull from some where within him would surface. Ok, so here is what I did. It was 1973, and everybody knows about the bell bottom era. For me, it remains my favorite times. I wore my bell bottoms full and long. Yep, walking on them for sure. Well, this one day he happened to take a look at what I was wearing and because totally upset with my pants and demanded I cut them off shorter. Ohhhhhhhhhh please, this is the 70's for one thing, I bought them myself for another and I was not about to cut them ankle high. But, I did do just as he asked. I cut them. I cut them into shorts and not knicker shorts either. Ok, Ok yes, I was rebellious and I am going to say right now, IT FELT GOOD !!

Poor Pa though, he did not like this either. Would I ever get it right with him? So, he sees my new shorts and totally freaks out. Yelling profusely !! "What did you do?" Of course my reply was I did what you told me to. Hmmmm, some where deep inside of him he got the energy to chase me. Not real sure what his plan was when he caught me but could only go on the records from the past. This time though I had a running chance and I took it. I ran out the front door and there is was right behind me. I ran around to the back door and inside the house and I could hear him coming behind me. I did this a few more times and got ahead of him and then hid under the dining room table. Hmmmmm, I stayed there and watched as he continued running in one door and out the other after me until he was worn out and finally stopped. This might sound mean to others but for me it felt rather good.

To Be Continued ...................

Love, "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches...Part Two

Awwww now that was a real nice rest. Hmmmm, I'm looking around and see, yep, Ma and Sis and yep yep there is my Bro. Ahhhhhhhh, over there in some other room is that man that I think is my Pa. He seems to be busy watching something on some other funny looking contraption. He seems to be very serious. Oh well, I think I want a bottle now. How do I get anybody's attention? Hmmmm...I know, I will try this..... I heard myself do this before, let's see if I can do it again? Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...sniff sniff... waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!! Hmmm nobody is coming yet. Ok, I will try again. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sniff sniff...... 

Ahhhhhh Mama....I knew you would be here soon. Hmmmmm Smiling now. Awwwwwwww!!

Oh here comes my Pa. Ohhh he sure doesn't look happy with me. Maybe he isn't my Pa. "Hey Joe, why don't you pick her up and hold her a while?" "She is your daughter ya know?" Ok, so now I know he is my Papa. Ouch!! I am not sure what many words are or mean but that hurt. He yanked me, I believe is the term and squished my arm. Wow I am thinking as we look into each other's eyes. Something just doesn't feel very loving here. Not like all the others. He doesn't seem to like me. Well, it's ok, he will. How could he not. Heheheh I am cute and adorable. "What's wrong with you Joe?" She is a baby. Put her back in her crib if that is how you are going to be. I wasn't sure what my Mama was meaning but Ouch again. Ahhh he just didn't know my head was so close to this rail I am sure of it. 

After he laid me back down he walked away without a smile,without a hug and without a kiss. Oh, I think, this is the journey I chose and well,I have to finish it now. Where will we go now? How does this journey proceed? 

The years have gone by very fast and well now I am five years old. I am a bit altered in my humor now as these five years were not a lot of fun. I find myself hiding in corners and being made to go to them. I shy away from everybody that comes around. My head always seems to hang low. I feel ashamed for some reason and I so fear to say or do anything. I learned something about what my Ma and Pa constantly keep calling a switch. Although they all do not look the same. Some look like parts of trees, some have hard, very hard things attached to them. So, I stay quiet and in the corner most of the time. 

The Christmas's that have gone by seemed like a pretty fun event. Everybody opening what they call presents. As I watched , it was like watching somebody's family from some far off place. From the outside looking in, yet I was right there. However, something, some how made me invisible. Yea, it all made me feel sad yet happy when I watched my brother opened so many gifts and ohhh he was so happy. My sister got gifts too but well not as many as my brother it seemed. I do remember getting some food though. My Mama was pretty good at seeing to it I was fed. But, it didn't seem that my Pa really liked that. Hmm, just can't understand. Maybe when I grow up some more I will get the missing pieces here to this now complicated puzzle.        

"Love Patches"   

Father..Are you there??

Father Are You There ?

Father...Father... Can you hear me? Are you there? I think I have lost my map to my quest. Can i get another one? Father, can you send it overnight delivery? I am so sorry. I thought I knew what I was doing down here. I thought I could fulfill my quest as I promised you I would. But, you see father, things down here are a mess !! When I took this quest, I couldn't see into the future. I might have taken a different quest if only I had known it would be like this. 

The worst of it father, is I seem to be lost. I try calling home, but, I think the lines are down. Have you received my mail father? It has been months now, and well is the economy in heaven like it is here on earth? Have the angels gone on strike? Do you think they will return to work? Maybe they can bring me that new wing they promised me years ago. I am sending word to you father that the data chips down here are all messed up. The government has lost their way. The people are going in circles trying to find their way. There doesn't seem to be a road out of here. 

Oh,wait !! I remember now. I have had the map the whole time. Yes, yes, I do have it...your word is my guide and my map and my way to YOU. Yes......... I have it father and I will be reminded and refreshed to continue my journey as I promised you. OK, well, then, I know you have a lot of work to do and I wont keep you father. But, please, I hope this message gets to you before all the others...... Father....I LOVE YOU !! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ?

 Oh, I am sorry for yelling, I hope I didn't yell to loud. Yes, father, I am reminded that it is times like this I am in the palm of your hand and you are carrying me. YES .....and suddenly I feel extremely comforted. Thank you for your unconditional love...............I will return to my quest with your guidance as I remember I am not on this journey alone and my journey is not over. You are and will always be with me. Yes, I love you too.......................... AMEN...

Love, "The Ma Ma"