A Girl Named Patches...Part 4

Well it sure was a long night ! My last memory was my Pa going down to those men and putting on that white odd looking jacket and Pa getting in the truck. And that one man that asked who I was. From that point on I do not remember anything and now I was waking to a lot of people looking over me. Literally. I had a lot of blankets on me and well, no clothes. They were the neighbors as it turns out. So somehow I taken from my grandparents to the neighbors, undressed and put to bed with lots of blankets. They told me they have called my Mama and that she was on her way. My Mama didn't drive so, she had to make these arrangements and as I know it now she is several hours away.

Well, I sure did not have any idea what was going on, but when she arrived she went to see my Pa who was in a hospital of some kind and not doing well it seemed. Ma seemed quite concerned. It took several days before Pa could leave there and then we all went back home to Ohio. I never said anything to my Pa about what had happened, but then again neither did he. Years would pass and WE would never talk about it. I did however, remain his favorite. Every time he saw me, he would tell me to go away. And my favorite colors became black and blue. He loved to give me color but dang, sure wish it didn't hurt so much. 

In his defense my studies in school were not up to par for him. I was barely getting through and the teachers noticed a distance from me, but I felt like hiding in a corner. Never wanted anybody to look at me and my clothes were that that would cover my colored body well. The time spent in school I would day dream about getting out. I didn't want to go home any more and didn't want to stay in school. Hmmmm, I didn't want to be anywhere. It was seeming that whatever time my Pa couldn't fill with the colorful art he would give me daily my sister Shelli became his substitute. My arms were now being affected as she had long long curled wicked finger nails and took out strips of skin from my arms. Wow, I so wanted to hit her back but all I could do was put my head down and scurry away. Day after day, night after night. I know I was young but I also knew this was not feeling good and could not be the emotion of "Love". Something big was missing here and I wanted it to change one way or another. 

Sitting in the bathroom became a regular time for me. There I found razor blades and kept trying to get the nerve to slice my wrist. So, I would practice over them and get deeper and deeper and asked the good Lord to help me put the pressure I needed to finish the job. I just wanted it to end, somehow. Running away, but to where. Waiting to turn of age but that seemed like a thousand years away. I was just done, and wanted this to END !!

As the time was going by my Pa didn't seem to be liking my Ma all that well either. They yelled so loud at each other every night. My Mama screaming and what seemed to be like for her life. Every night I laid in bed and held my hands over my ears and hoped and prayed it would stop. Then there were those times that it was so bad and my Mama yelled so loud that I got out of bed , stood at my doorway and all I remember doing was crying. Hoping he wasn't going to kill her. 

Now good or bad my Ma and me had some things in common, so we would talk all the time when Pa wasn't there. We had to release some how to somebody and mostly I was her sound board. After every encounter she had with Pa she talked about divorce. She explained what that meant and well for me it was like, bring it on. Let's do it !! Then during these talks we would have my Pa would come home, see us talking and well I was advanced to the foot procedure and a big fist. That foot though was always aiming for my ........, you know. I got pretty good at dodging them though. Should have went for football as I could pivot left to right to where ever to get out of the way of the FOOT !! 

Awwww after all these things I still loved my Pa. Gotta say I did not like him much, but truly loved him and kept trying to figure out a way for him to love me back. Would I ever know why he feels this way to me?

Love "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches... Part Three

It didn't take to long to realize that there was something different about my Pa. He seemed to get really mad and about things that, well didn't seem like it should be that critical. Of course that's me looking back. At the time I thought everything I was doing was wrong. Well, he didn't hold back from telling me either. 

At this very early age I was being trained to fail. I am sure my Pa meant well and thought maybe he was using tough love or something as they call it. Hmmm, wait, it was tough love. My Pa would say, how I will never amount to anything and that I was good for nothing. At the age of five I didn't quite understand what all that meant. But, it made me feel bad so that told me it wasn't good. I soooo wanted my Pa to like me. There were so many times I wanted to say,"I love you", but those words just couldn't come out once I saw him eye to eye. He had such a fierce look to him. Pa was raised as Amish and well in his defense they did not spare the rod. And, there were a lot of things done differently from the rest of society. So maybe just maybe that was what was going on with him. Although, the strangest thing was he never treated my Sister or Brother the same as he did me. So, this was very confusing.

There was a great fear of my Pa for me, cause I just knew he did not favor me in any way.

One day there was something going on about somebody being shot. From my Ma and Pa's reaction it was somebody very important. Late in the night as all of us kids were sleeping I could hear my Ma calling to my sister, "Shelli, do you want to go to Pennsylvania with your father?" And I heard her reply, "No". Then I heard my Ma yell for my brother. "Heath, do you want to go to Pennsylvania with your father?" And his replay was, "No". I remember laying there and somewhat feeling left out but yet glad because I knew he didn't want me to go with him anyways. Just as I was closing my eyes I heard my mom yell, " Patches, do you want to go to Pennsylvania with your father?" I was stunned that I even got the question but followed suite and replied, "No". My no did not seem to hold as much weight as the others. I was ordered to get up that I was going with him. 

It was a cold and snowing this night. And as my Ma quickly put a suitcase together for me, I had no winter coat to speak of. So she put Shelli's on me. A big red one with white around the cuffs and the hood. It was so warm. Shelli had no idea I was wearing it as she was still in bed.

We drove for what seemed like hours and hours in the dark. Cold and windy. Snowing badly. Then finally we arrive at my grandparents house. Still very dark out, my Pa goes to the door and knocks. But, who would be knocking at anybody's door this hour of the night. I remember grandma looking out the window to see who it was before letting us in. 

Ahhhhhhhhhh, finally we are in and my grandma takes me and tucks me in bed. A very very big bed. Soooo many blankets. And the bathroom was, well in a bucket of some sort hidden in the closet. It was good with me. It was so warm in the bed. 

Not sure how long everybody stayed up to, but when daylight came, it seems we were all up at the same time. Being from the Amish background and humble living the first thing they all did was take their bibles outside on the porch and take turns reading a verse and singing hymns galore. The whole family could carry a tune. I felt pretty good out there with this big warm red coat I was wearing and my Aunt gave me a bible to hold. I couldn't read real well at that time. I was still five. 

All was going well I thought. And I thought the trip might be ok. Pa, was reading and singing. Everybody seemed to be having a good time. But, something strange suddenly happened. My Pa, grabbed my arm and threw me inside the house. He pushed everybody else back away from the door while he locked everybody out and then grabbed my arm again and took me upstairs. Sat me on a bed and began reading a verse from the bible to me. Sure wish I knew what that verse was today but, well I can't remember. 

This whole time my Aunt was trying to find a way to get into the house. Knocking on the door and calling for my Pa. It must have upset him a bit because he grabbed me by the arm again and pushed me down the big staircase and into the kitchen. Took his white shirt off and wrapped it around my head and then put my head in a a sink full of hot water and held me there for some time. Then he switched and lifted my head from the hot water and put my head in the next sink full of cold water. Ohhh I had no idea what was going on here and never screamed of even had time to think of crying. It was like I was a rag doll being tossed everywhere. 

My poor Aunt was still outside as everybody else was too and she finally was trying to get a window open to get in that way. Well, Pa, did not like this at all. He left me and long enough for me to get this shirt off my head and I remember standing back watching him as he totally destroyed the stair banister with one hand. Just tore it to pieces. Then went to the window where my Aunt was trying to get in and pushed her away and locked it. It didn't seem like there was going to be any end in sight here. 

As I stood quietly now in the living room, for whatever reason Pa opened the front door and walked outside down a big hill and to the driveway where this white truck was. There was several men there with some white jacket for him as I stood at the door watching. He did not struggle with these men at all which seemed rather odd to me after all he had done. 

After the men got him in the jacket and into the truck, one man looked up at the door and I heard him yell to the others. "Who is that little girl?" Nobody was around outside any more and the men got into the truck and left. At this point I had passed out. A very big void in time took place. 

"Love Patches"

A Girl Named Patches...Part One

Hello, my name is "Patches" and this is my story !!

After talking to some folks they say they can remember being in the womb, ahhhh, looking around. Seeing, a lot of stuff that in looking back I think a GPS would have been good back then while being in there. I some what remember going in circles and then get this pat on my head or belly and some times, yes, my you know where as if to tell me to calm down. There was so much to see yet I remember it being very dark and kind of gloomy to tell the truth. I could hear things, voices that seemed near yet far away and never did figure out what was going on there. But the voice sounded familiar once I broke through the barrier. Whew !!! Now that was no fun and well it didn't sound like a lot of fun for my new mama either. 

I some what remember a swift kick and whooshhhhh somebody grabbed hold of me and smacked my behind instantly. Ouch!!!! Wow, how could I be in so much trouble so fast. And let me say I was kicked out I didn't pursue it on my own. Ohhhhhhhh, I cried alright. That smack hurt !! But, I can recall my mama taking a deep sign, like she was saying ...........FINALLY !! I think she was happy to see me cause I was her. There she was my new mama. Ahhhhh, she took me, coddled me, fed me and yes, patted my behind a bit. Seems a lot of people were patting my behind a lot actually but at least these pats seemed much softer then that first one. I must have been very very good. These pats felt like love. Mmmmmmmmm I am soooo happy. It was a heck of a trip for both of us, so we rested for days. But, we rested together. I remember being right near her in bed... I could hear her heart beat and I was safe. 

Then this lady comes into our room and asked my mama what my name was. Ahhh, mama just looked puzzled and looked about the room. She noticed a blanket there that looked like it needing mending. So that's how I got my name. Patches. The lady thought that was creative and took a picture of me. Yeah the light was blinding but I made it through. For a while though I was blind, not going to lie about it. 

Soon my mama and I were sent home. I was so excited. Several times I heard my mama talking to somebody and well I thought she called him pa. Then there were these two funny looking beings there. Much bigger then me. One was referred to as my sister and the other brother, whatever that all meant. They were pretty funny looking to me. Heheheheh...... I couldn't help wondering if they knew how funny they looked to me. They must have thought something because they kept asking ma why am I laughing so hard. Well, ok, you should have saw what I did and you would have laughed to. Heheheheheh...ahhhh the memories.

Ahhhhhhhhh help Ma .... Help...what is this? It was huge. So fuzzy looking and nothing like my sister and brother. What is this? Finally, my Brother says to me, "hey sis, meet Rambo". Hmmm, as I laid there looking at them both, many things went through my mind. First of all, they do not look anything alike. And Rambo has some sort of long attachment going on behind him. My brother seemed to be missing this extension. Wow, how interesting is this my thoughts wondered.

Well now, so far there is my Ma ma, Sister, Brother and this fuzzy creature they call Rambo and then this man sitting back in the corner. Thinking to myself, he might be the Pa guy I heard about earlier. He didn't seem to want to say hi and well I think he was the only one that hasn't patted my behind like everybody seemed to be so excited to do. Not real sure if he is my Pa but I have my eye on him. For now though I am going to get some sleep and get my eyes focused so things might be a bit clearer and maybe that Rambo guy will look different tomorrow. 

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz for now !!

Love Patches

Father..Are you there??

Father Are You There ?

Father...Father... Can you hear me? Are you there? I think I have lost my map to my quest. Can i get another one? Father, can you send it overnight delivery? I am so sorry. I thought I knew what I was doing down here. I thought I could fulfill my quest as I promised you I would. But, you see father, things down here are a mess !! When I took this quest, I couldn't see into the future. I might have taken a different quest if only I had known it would be like this. 

The worst of it father, is I seem to be lost. I try calling home, but, I think the lines are down. Have you received my mail father? It has been months now, and well is the economy in heaven like it is here on earth? Have the angels gone on strike? Do you think they will return to work? Maybe they can bring me that new wing they promised me years ago. I am sending word to you father that the data chips down here are all messed up. The government has lost their way. The people are going in circles trying to find their way. There doesn't seem to be a road out of here. 

Oh,wait !! I remember now. I have had the map the whole time. Yes, yes, I do have it...your word is my guide and my map and my way to YOU. Yes......... I have it father and I will be reminded and refreshed to continue my journey as I promised you. OK, well, then, I know you have a lot of work to do and I wont keep you father. But, please, I hope this message gets to you before all the others...... Father....I LOVE YOU !! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW ?

 Oh, I am sorry for yelling, I hope I didn't yell to loud. Yes, father, I am reminded that it is times like this I am in the palm of your hand and you are carrying me. YES .....and suddenly I feel extremely comforted. Thank you for your unconditional love...............I will return to my quest with your guidance as I remember I am not on this journey alone and my journey is not over. You are and will always be with me. Yes, I love you too.......................... AMEN...

Love, "The Ma Ma"