A Girl Named Patches.. Part 5

We moved to the country and all was what a dysfunctional family would consider normal. How does a dysfunctional family even know what normal resembles. The norm seems abnormal to them. We went through our days, my siblings doing what they did. Shelli was never really around and Heath was gone too but not as much. He and I became very close. He just kept watching the daily beatings that Shelli and Pa would do to me but he had no idea how to stop it and I know he didn't. My Pa was a man to fear. 

My Ma though seemed to be learning from Pa. When she became upset with me she ordered me to get a switch from one of the trees, bring it to her so she could use it on me. Now, how dumb can one child be? Patches does just this though. She also favored the yard sticks which seemed to be abundant. 

But after a bath one night I had no clothes to put on. So I yelled down to my Ma for some pajama's and she kept telling me to shut up. Not knowing what to do I kept bothering her. No way could I put on my day clothes to go to bed. That would for sure cause chaos. So, I kept trying to get her attention. It's my own fault what happens next. She really got tired of me yelling and told my Pa to come shut me up. 

Well he brought with him the belt.... I learned what they call that thing with a hard end on it. Being that I was totally unclothed didn't help and my Pa had no target area. So, needless to say, there were welts ALL over my body. He finished the order and went back downstairs like it was a normal event and truly it was. But this time it was bad. Blood was seeping out of several welts and the black and blue marks came quicker then most other times. I never got my pajama's, I just went to bed curled in a fetal position and cried for hours until I eventually fell asleep.

Come morning I did all I could to cover my body so nobody at school could see my marks. I was hurting for sure but I made it to school, never said a word. Didn't want to talk to anybody as usual and hated the thought of returning to what everybody kept calling home.

When I did get home my Ma was there and she had something available to eat. I had to eat before my Pa got home to avoid conflict. Many times he would yell that I was eating this or eating that and to my Ma's favor she told him a few times, "this kid needs to eat." But I would try very hard to eat when he wasn't there. But, my Ma asked me to get something for her and as I did my shirt rose a bit exposing my back some what. She saw a bit of it and called me over to her. Lifted my shirt and asked me, "What happened?" Wow, I thought. Is she really asking me this question. I did reply with, " You know exactly what happened, you told him to do it." And she replied she didn't tell him to do this.

I think it was at this point I was done. Done being beaten. Not sure how I was going to stop it, but I did know I was done. Yes, I healed from this beating and received several more before I got the courage to stand up to my parents. The ones I chose they say should this be correct. I am still though so confused as to why or how I do not feel hate in my heart for any of them. The love I carry inside was there and just waiting and wanting to explode. It is hard to show love when hate is all that you receive. But the bigger question and usually one that never has an answer is the BIG BIG "WHY..." Regardless to the answer of why Patches takes a stand...................

Love "Patches"

A Girl Named Patches...Part 4

Well it sure was a long night ! My last memory was my Pa going down to those men and putting on that white odd looking jacket and Pa getting in the truck. And that one man that asked who I was. From that point on I do not remember anything and now I was waking to a lot of people looking over me. Literally. I had a lot of blankets on me and well, no clothes. They were the neighbors as it turns out. So somehow I taken from my grandparents to the neighbors, undressed and put to bed with lots of blankets. They told me they have called my Mama and that she was on her way. My Mama didn't drive so, she had to make these arrangements and as I know it now she is several hours away.

Well, I sure did not have any idea what was going on, but when she arrived she went to see my Pa who was in a hospital of some kind and not doing well it seemed. Ma seemed quite concerned. It took several days before Pa could leave there and then we all went back home to Ohio. I never said anything to my Pa about what had happened, but then again neither did he. Years would pass and WE would never talk about it. I did however, remain his favorite. Every time he saw me, he would tell me to go away. And my favorite colors became black and blue. He loved to give me color but dang, sure wish it didn't hurt so much. 

In his defense my studies in school were not up to par for him. I was barely getting through and the teachers noticed a distance from me, but I felt like hiding in a corner. Never wanted anybody to look at me and my clothes were that that would cover my colored body well. The time spent in school I would day dream about getting out. I didn't want to go home any more and didn't want to stay in school. Hmmmm, I didn't want to be anywhere. It was seeming that whatever time my Pa couldn't fill with the colorful art he would give me daily my sister Shelli became his substitute. My arms were now being affected as she had long long curled wicked finger nails and took out strips of skin from my arms. Wow, I so wanted to hit her back but all I could do was put my head down and scurry away. Day after day, night after night. I know I was young but I also knew this was not feeling good and could not be the emotion of "Love". Something big was missing here and I wanted it to change one way or another. 

Sitting in the bathroom became a regular time for me. There I found razor blades and kept trying to get the nerve to slice my wrist. So, I would practice over them and get deeper and deeper and asked the good Lord to help me put the pressure I needed to finish the job. I just wanted it to end, somehow. Running away, but to where. Waiting to turn of age but that seemed like a thousand years away. I was just done, and wanted this to END !!

As the time was going by my Pa didn't seem to be liking my Ma all that well either. They yelled so loud at each other every night. My Mama screaming and what seemed to be like for her life. Every night I laid in bed and held my hands over my ears and hoped and prayed it would stop. Then there were those times that it was so bad and my Mama yelled so loud that I got out of bed , stood at my doorway and all I remember doing was crying. Hoping he wasn't going to kill her. 

Now good or bad my Ma and me had some things in common, so we would talk all the time when Pa wasn't there. We had to release some how to somebody and mostly I was her sound board. After every encounter she had with Pa she talked about divorce. She explained what that meant and well for me it was like, bring it on. Let's do it !! Then during these talks we would have my Pa would come home, see us talking and well I was advanced to the foot procedure and a big fist. That foot though was always aiming for my ........, you know. I got pretty good at dodging them though. Should have went for football as I could pivot left to right to where ever to get out of the way of the FOOT !! 

Awwww after all these things I still loved my Pa. Gotta say I did not like him much, but truly loved him and kept trying to figure out a way for him to love me back. Would I ever know why he feels this way to me?

Love "Patches"