Well I was back at the Ma homestead with Glenn. Glenn would get his own room. He would be sheltered,clothed and fed and for me, I would take to the streets. Ma and me just didn't seem to be able to get through many things and well that was nothing new. We ran hot and cold. I miscarried on my pregnancy and the doctor told me that had the baby went all the way that either I would die, the baby would die or we both would die but there would be a death.
I decided to attempt to teach myself how to drive. Surely this would expand my job possibilities. So I bought a car from a man in town for $100.00. Hmmm, now this was an old Rambler with a home made fender. It required oil,water and transmission fluid every time I turned the key. But my hopes were to learn how to drive, get a better job and then a better car. I would talk Heath into being my licensed driver with a quart of beer and a nice drive in the country. And I did get a better job at a box factory. The money was real good for me. I saved and saved until I was able to get that better car. But hey, what could be worse then what I had one might be asking? Ma finally found herself a man. A farmer man that owned the mobile park she was in. He was about ohhh 15 yrs her senior. A hard worker and seemed to be a kind hearted man. Didn't seem to be very romantic though. He would work constantly even after they married. Within hours he was back to dealing with a pipe issue some where in the park. He old farm house was a stone's throw away and there is where Shelli ended up after her divorce.
After being on the road for some time my ma decided I should stay at the farm house too if for a short time. So I did. I would find myself on the swing set a lot at night, alone and just thinking. Thinking about many things but mostly about life and always wishing over the rainbow. Why oh why can't I?
As things seemed to be getting better. My ma gave me a message that my doctor needed to see me and right away. She explained that I did not live there but the next time she saw me she would have me call him. I did not know what the problem was but had no reason to call the doctor I had no medical coverage. When she told him this, he did not care. He told her to let me know we will work it out, but that it was critical I make contact with him. Seems that I was on the cusp of cancer and if I did not tend to this I would be gone within a few months.
Most people might panic about such news but to me it was looking like my one way ticket and in all honesty I was ready for the trip. I wanted to abort this earth mission. I searched my heart, my soul and really was ready to let it happen as it was going to be. What did I have to offer anybody. And as for anybody, who is anybody? There was nobody that would truly care or so it sure felt that way within my heart and even deeper inside my spirit. The will to go on in this way was not what I want. I would rather be in another place and in any other time. I would spend days searching for the answer as to what I should do.
I thought, cried, prayed and prayed some more. Help me father- (My father in heaven) help me know what to do............................. In Jesus name I ask you for your guidance. Please father take my hand and show me the way, I will follow.
Love "Patches"
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